I am torn. Torn between the person I am today and the person I am trying to become. I think this is what they like to call a quarter-life crisis. I really don’t know how to handle this. Then to top it off, a few days ago when I was trying to deal with this thought, my dad starts talking to me about how strong of a person I am and that he always looks to me for strength because I always seem composed even in the worst of situations. Funny thing is though at that very moment all I wanted to do was cry. So I don’t know. I know what my dad was referring to in saying I am a strong person. He says that because I do such a good job, well kind-of, of hiding how hurt I really am in situations. When I cry I do it late at night, alone, in my bedroom. When I need to scream or yell, I go to my car and take a drive and just do that. So I guess my friends and family have no idea how un-strong I really am.So what am I torn between really? I mean I am only 22 years old, how confusing and unsure can life be, right? Well that’s just it. I am already done with school, with a college degree in marketing. Which is good and I love it. But is my current job where I really want to be at this stage in my life? Do I want to be doing something else? And if I don’t switch jobs now will I be too old when the time comes to upgrade to the more prominent position and not have enough experience? And even on that same path, so I even want to live in Michigan? Ugh so many questions that are screaming in my head over and over and over again. It is terrible!! Then right now I feel like I am not making the kind-of money that I would like to be to live a lifestyle that I want. Okay, maybe not even live a lifestyle but have the ability to purchase what I want when I want. Like a car, and not even a new one, just a used one. I mean I could go out a get a cheap Ford or GM, like a Focus or Fusion or Cobalt. But I don’t just want a car. I feel like if I am actually going to spend my own money to make such a large purchase as a car, why not get something I actually want and love? I mean I have the money but I am not one of those people that like to live on the edge. And by that I mean have my paychecks spent for me every week before I even get them. I don’t like bills and I don’t like payments. I know what you are thinking – well Jenni get over it that is just a fact of life. Well it might be, but I feel like I can help it by saving money and not just spending every dime I get. I don’t know. See torn again.
Then I am getting out of an almost 4 year relationship & friendship with a guy that I was very close too. And well that just in itself is pulling me down. It is hard to go through such a lifestyle change as this as I know everyone does. Going from having this person that you always have there for you, to chat with or hang out with or just complain and bitch with too not having anyone. I guess it would be easier if I could just quickly find someone else to replace the hurt and pain that is this void I now have. But I guess that is hard for me as well. Right now I am fighting with myself to not become this party hardy person that I do not want to be. I like to go out and have some fun every once in a while but every weekend? That’s totally not me. So then this leads me to the problem of where can I find a new guy; School? Done with. Work? No likely candidates. Friends? All already in relationships so they are out for man-hunting. So that leaves me with what? Going to clubs and bars to find guys? And then if I do that I feel like I am going to find someone what has this lifestyle that I do not want to live. I don’t want to date someone that still loves to party all the time. I want someone with morals and goals and ambitions. Ekk – aiming high, huh? There I go again. Then I always think, I am not pretty enough or skinny enough or wild enough to get these type of guys that I want. So again, I am torn. I hate this feeling and I am sick or feeling like this. I don’t want to be one of those girls that needs a guy to validate her being. I am not one of those people. This past relationship is the longest one I have ever been in so the rest of my 22 years here, I have been single and just fine.
I know that this is just a phase I am going through but it is hard, and it hurts. I feel like I am consistently fighting with one side of me that just wants to go out and party all the time and drink away the problems (the old me) and the other side of me that is saying to just have faith and God will help me through this (the new me). I know that all of my problems seems super minor, but the little things mean way more to me that the big ones. Like I would rather get a warm hug from a loved one, than get a big screen TV from anyone.
Okay this is too long for even me! So I am going to stop now. But I just want to end it by saying that I have to put my problems and minor issues in God’s hands. I feel like up to now, my life has been good and all those other minor problems I was having back then have been worked out and been just fine. I will find my direction...
